Acme Translating Services

Well, so there's been the huge flap in the news about candidate for Senate, Rep. Todd Akin (R)-MO. He's the one who basically said that there doesn't need to be an exception for rape in a desired prohibition on abortion, because it would be "very rare" that a "legitimate rape" would result in a pregnancy. This is because, apparently in Missouri at least, a woman's body is capable of preventing a pregnancy in the case of said "legitimate rape."

Now, presumably, Rep. Akin is meaning to distinguish "legitimate rape"--that's the kind perpetrated when a Black man rapes a white woman, or where the woman is so badly injured that the rapist can't claim she just "likes it rough"--from other alleged rapes, which are the illegitimate kind. All of this is so confusing, I thought I'd break out my handy-dandy Missouri Politician's Guide to the English Language to decode his heartfelt apology. This was originally posted by me as a comment on the CNN website's story online earlier this morning. I hope you find my translation illuminating.

AKIN POLITISPEAK: "Rape is an evil act. I used thewrong words in the wrong way and for that I apologize. As the father of twodaughters I want tough justice for predators. I have a compassionate heart forthe victims of sexual assault and I pray for them. The fact is rape can lead topregnancy. The truth is rape has many victims. The mistake I made was in thewords I said, not in the heart I hold. I ask for your forgiveness."

TRANSLATION: "Rape is what women want, most of the time. Because I am a geezerand a misogynist, I said what I reallybelieve--that most 'rapes' are just sour grapes because he didn't call the nextday. But then a bunch of pollsters toldme that my campaign funds would dry up for saying that, because big business,who is funding my campaign, can't afford to be associated with such a comment,since women make most of the buying decisions, and since at least one in fourof them have cried rape after he didn't call. So now I'm crying crocodile tears and saying sorry, so that maybe mycorporate sponsorship will have an out for giving me some more money to buy myvote in the Senate, if I'm so lucky as to be made a passenger on that gravytrain. Thank you and may my Lily-White,Male-Dominant, Christians-Only GOD bless your sorry, pathetic souls--even thoseof you wimmen."

TRANSLATION ENDED.