Thursday, April 19, 2012

I'm Sorry. So Sorry.

America is apologizing again for its military adventurism and I'm here to translate the events for you, as there seems to be a communication gap in the news reporting of the situation.

This time, we're apologizing for some photos, taken a couple years ago, showing American soldiers in Afghanistan mugging it up with dismembered corpses of supposed "suicide bombers" (translation: Afghan nationals who were somewhat miffed that villages full of their countrymen are being occupied, bombed and slaughtered by the American military).

No, no, these aren't the ones of the soldiers peeing on dead bodies--that was last month. No, it's not the Qu-ran burners either--that was last year. And no, it's not the "one insane gunman" who busted off base and murdered seventeen civilians including women and children, while impersonating 15 to 20 US troops. That was weeks ago now, and the insane gunman is under heavy sedation in prison while the military prepares to railroad him in the coverup of what actually happened. Get with the program people!

The photos were published Wednesday by the LA Times, notwithstanding requests by Defense Secretary and chief apologist Leon Panetta to withhold the photos from publication (translation: hide the evidence that way too many of our troops are ghouls).

Panetta said his request not to publish the photos was out of concern that they would be "used by the enemy to incite violence" (translation: they'd give the Afghan people more proof that the American military seems to have attended the Attila the Hun School for Diplomacy and Military Strategy with continuing education at the Joseph Mengele Academy).

The Times reported that the photos were turned over to it by a soldier who was concerned the pics showed a breakdown in leadership and discipline that threatened the safety of the troops (translation: brave, and still human-despite the military's training-whistleblower who will probably soon have a terrible case of "suicide").

Afghan President Hamid Karzai called the photos "disgusting," inhumane," and "provocative," and called for a stepped-up effort to withdraw American troops from Afghanistan (translation: this is as good a time as any for the Americans to go murder people in a different part of the world for a while--I hear the African oilfields are nice this time of year.)

Top US and NATO officials have condemned the behavior of the soldiers depicted in the photos, assured everyone that such conduct is not "representative" of the standards of the US Military, and at the same time called the decision by the LA Times to publish the photos "disappointing." (translation: stupid grunts! They're supposed to keep their blood trophies in their sock drawers, not wave them around for all the world to see. How will we ever keep the useless eaters back home enlisting if they know the truth about what's going on over there?)

Today, the Taliban has issued a statement again asking their supporters to “get revenge from foreign forces, by attacking them across the country.” This in addition to a series of coordinated attacks earlier this week in Kabul and other eastern cities targeting Western embassies, which has been blamed by
the U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan Ryan Crocker on the Pakistan-based Haqqani network. However, Pakistani observers say the U.S. claims are designed to justify drone strikes in their country. (translation: hey, as long as we've got these lemons...)

I hope this translation of current events has been helpful and illuminating.

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